Fam.

Exams are over :)

looking forward to summer, mostly to seeing my brothers and my parents!

Moving to boarding school you realise how important family is. 

You make that effort to ring them 3 times a week, sometimes to ask for leave. or more money :)

but other times, its just to hear their voice.

i love talking to my brothers because sometimes i find it pretty hard to think that i'm not aroung whilst they grow up.

i call them at night because of the time difference. i lay on my bed with my eyes closed, trying to picture where they are in the house, how long their hair is now, how tall they are now.

Me and Jess (11) talk about whatever we can. i ask him if there is anyone he likes at school. how his swimming is going. 

Me and Hugo (9) have shorter conversations. but i still cherish every second of it.

these summer holidays i want to try and stick to #3

Don't believe all your hear, or sleep all you want.

i'm going to try and block put the bullshit and crap i hear, i'm going to try to not sleep in everyday, because although sleeping in is great, id rather spend time with my friends and family.

Eleven-twenty-pee-emm

Bad news, like getting hit by a pillow case full of bricks.

that all to familliar feeling of hope being extinguished,

though knowing all along the most probable outcome

You still decided to clench to that small, slither of a chance it might be different this time.

Nup

i watched HP, it was dissapointing.
i met up with a friend.. lets call him...            

we walked to fairview, jumped the construction fence and sat on the half dismantled playground.

            told me that im like a little kid.
            told me that he read my blog and it didnt sound like me.
            told me that in a world of 6,882,650,341 people that i'd be about seven of them.

Thats kinda cool, im might be black?? but netherless im not seven people. im just one person.

One in six billion, eight hundred and eighty two million,six hundred and fifty thousand, three hundred and forty one people.

            told me that its like i dont know who i am, or why i wake up every morning.

so i tried to answer that question. i wake up because of my alarm clock. on my phone.

then i decided to stop being a smart ass and realise that yes, ofcourse what he was saying was deeper than that.

            was saying i have many different personalities. masks i you will.

maybe ive changed, maybe. maybe. maybe.

but to be bluntly honest. i dont think im a whole different person.
and maybe, maybe, maybe i dont know what i want right now. does anyone.

i dont know what job i want to do.
i dont know what clothes i should wear.
i dont know what hairstyle i should have.

but i do know. i know many things about myself.

i do know what music i enjoy.
i do know i like to have fun with my friends
i do know that i like someone.

so lets call me            , apparently im confused and have multiple personalites.

a summer day

Tell me, what else should i have done?

Dosent everything die at last, and too soon?

Tell me, what is it you plan to do 

with your one wild and precious life?

A summer day, by Mary Oliver.

Free

i was tidying my room for the exam period today, and i found this birthday card i had lost. I bought it when i first came to scotch. but had misplaced it.

it came in an olive envelope, and on the inside reads "celebrate like someone forgot to lock the gate"

When ever im down i would think of those words and the picture on the front of the card. a dog. the happiest dog ive ever seen. not because he has the new pedigree dog food. but because its free. free from all troubles and problems.

i wish everyone could feel like that dog does. i want someone to forget to lock the gate.

That feeling when you get butterflies in your tummy :)

number.eight

In your eyes i see the eyes of somebody who could be strong

Tell me if im wrong?

And now im pulling your disguise up

are you free or are you tied up?